I thought I could take a break from writing about dismissive
thoughts and attitudes and start writing about more cheerful, hopeful ones. It
was not the thought that drove me to write, I just needed a push in the right
direction, and it was given to me by someone who knows the pathway of both
roads.
The fact is I am more accurate and descriptive when it comes
to writing about dark things. I seem to be feeding on darkness and abysmal
matters. On the other hand, there seems to be a chaotic; and rather unobtrusive
style of writing when I am happy. There seems to be no organisation, which is
understandable given that my emotions are at an all-time high sometimes, so I
kind of not try to specify my writings.
There has to be some kind of drive or force that directs me
to be in either of those paths. The same kind of facets and situations happen
to me every day, yet I tend to channel them differently most of the time. I do
not see where I am going or where I came from. I happen to be a realist/hopeful
type of person. In other words, I do not think about the future, yet I know the
end of my current day; or at least have a certain vision of it. I find that
neither pessimistic nor optimistic. I find that as ME with no labels. Living
for and by the moment.
But why am I clinging to my dark side? Why am I defending
its existence through and in me? Because it keeps me alive. It keeps my
creativity in check. Because I have never experienced one day without it. It is
an inseparable part of my being. I want it there throughout my journey. I want
it to accompany me through my happiness and suffrage. Comfort and boredom. It
has to be there with me. It sort of balances out the equation. The Yin and Yang
type of thing. “Hello There”.
Maybe this kind of writing will not be manifesting itself in
the coming days on paper. But I know this much; that in reality I will always
be representing my smiling, open version of me. Come to think of it; is it some
kind of hypocrisy to do so? Doing what you do not feel like doing? I think it
is the complete opposite, because by that you will be spreading something more
positive and instilling something more relatable to whomever meets or interacts
with you. By that you do something maybe less recognizable than doing dark and
twisted things.
But at least you will be affecting each and every person
individually, helping them to grow from the inside and realizing that it is
okay to be weird. It is okay to be sick-minded, keeping your sanity intact
within you. Such act has its own magnitude and grandiosity in itself. It is a
self-proclamation. It is your re-birth. It is you and the anti-you. It is your
nature.
