وَمَا أُبَرِّىءُ نَفْسِي إِنَّ النَّفْسَ
لأَمَّارَةٌ بِالسُّوءِ إِلاَّ مَا رَحِمَ رَبِّيَ إِنَّ رَبِّي غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ
يوسف٥٣
“And I do not acquit myself. Indeed, the
soul is a persistent enjoiner of evil, except those upon which my Lord has
mercy. Indeed, my Lord is Forgiving and Merciful.”
Yusuf, Verse 53
HELL!!
IT HAS BEEN LIKE HELL SITTING IN THE CORNER OF MY ROOM THOSE PAST TWO HOURS!!
I have been subjected
to a monstrous amount of thinking and rethinking about everything that
surrounds me. The reason is unknown.
In fact, it is unnecessary
in my condition.
Why in God’s name
would someone sit down alone by the corner of his dark unlighted room? Just why?
Give me one good reason.
I’ll tell you why. Because
he/she has nothing to do except exercising rants on his social life. Someone who
is not confident about his social skills. Someone who is not willing to
compromise. Someone who is not willing to open up about what drives his
attitude or psyche. In a nutshell, someone like me.
When it all bottles up
into a life of solitude and loneliness, a dimmer view about life has to occur.
For the past couple of days that preceded this situation, I used
to wake up after 3 or 4 hours sleep, feeling empty. Hollow. Nothing. I look
deep into myself thinking, how could you think such thoughts? I mean are you
really empty from the inside? Don’t you have anything to proclaim or stand by?
Can nothing in your life vouch for your accomplishments or achievements? Can
anybody, acquaintance, friend or family claim that you are SOMETHING or
SOMEONE? I strike conversations with my inner self, declaring war against it.
I say why do you think like that?
Don’t you have any
belief in me?
Don’t you see what we have done together?
Why are you so negative
and diminishing?
Why do you always
keep on degrading me and dragging me into the caves of darkness after I saw the
lime lights of tomorrow?
Must we continue
in these puzzling feuds and non-ending discussions about being positive or negative?
Can we stop being
so Goddamn misanthropic and melancholic?
Should we not
listen more to our heart and lessen our thinking with our mind?
If you explode I will
implode from the inside.
You HAVE to know that. And that is no good for either
of us.
If it is prosperity that you want, you will not find it.
If
it is destruction that you want, you will have it, but you won’t be here to
enjoy the scene.
You will be dragged with me into the abyss. I will be the
death of you. You act as if you do not want to inhabit me.
As if you’re a demon
trying to enter the souls of humans, nothing entailed except greed and misery.
As if you’re entitled to wear me down and beat me to the ground.
But there will be a reckoning.
I will defeat you by defeating myself if it takes my suicide
to end it.
You think what you’re doing is depressing? Think again.
I will
school you in manners of depressive attitude.
I will haunt you like a ghost
that haunts a cemetery, longing to get out of its desolation.
In a manner of speaking, these thoughts take place in all of
our minds. So generally speaking we are on equal levels regarding that
particular aspect. Accordingly, it is a question of the TIME OF ARRIVAL
rather than why they do take place. It might seem that they are the same, but
they are merely interconnected.
I lost you again, didn’t I? I just can’t seem to be simple
enough to convey my thoughts clearly. Oh well.
Nevertheless, it drove me to re-shuffle my thoughts. In my
head, those thoughts occurred so as to differentiate between two periods. Those
two periods can be categorised under four concepts:
1.
A period of darkness into a
period of light
2.
A period of darkness into a
period of even more darkness
3.
A period of light into a
period of darkness
4.
A period of light into a
period of even more light
My head was exploding as I was contemplating those
existential themes. On the surface, they seemed very simple and elemental. Dig deep
and you’ll find yourself at a series of puzzling mazes and crossroads.
Give it a shot.
For me, the first concept is more suitable for my condition
at the moment. Here is why.
The second concept does not apply because I have already experienced
that phase in my life before, several times. In my shallow head, it is not
until a couple more years for it to welcome me into its mournful embrace again. At
least I won’t let it.
The third concept does not apply because to be honest I have
never really witnessed stability regarding a period where I don’t feel dark
from the inside. In other words, light has never been able to occupy my head as
much as the sun has never been able to be in the sky more than its already set
time. Do you follow me? Dammit. I keep sucking at delivering my thought
process onto you. My father once told me that in any conversation, the
responsibility of delivering a certain message falls entirely unto the sender,
not the receiver, even if the receiver does not follow through. Which means I am
the one to blame.
Look at me drifting away with my head again. I deeply
apologize. Let me collect my thoughts one more time.
There it goes…
The fourth concept does not apply because, well, if you’ve
read the last paragraph you’ll know why!
So why this particular time?
Why in this period of my life?
Most of it has to do with the idea of developing yourself. The
idea of a relay race as a matter of fact. A period is handing the torch or the
stick to another period and you are merely an instrument. A tool even.
Monotony
is never good. It kills you from the inside out. Change has to happen either
swiftly or slowly. It keeps you regularly on your toes trying to jump over
whichever obstacles life throws at you.
Listen to me going all psychiatric and psychological. I am
sorry. I should have known my boundaries.
Darkness is the absence of light, which means that its
absence is only temporary. It is only a matter of when.
When will you be able to climb out of this hateful,
angst-ridden pit that you have sunk yourself in?
When will you stop postponing and tell yourself things will
sort themselves out? BECAUSE THEY WON’T!!!
When will you disregard any non-constructive criticism and
start listening to yourself instead?
When will you face yourself in success or even in failure?
When will you be able to look at your image in the mirror
and smile with a clear conscience?
I know one thing about myself.
I have started climbing!
