Vision Through Blindness

I thought I could take a break from writing about dismissive thoughts and attitudes and start writing about more cheerful, hopeful ones. It was not the thought that drove me to write, I just needed a push in the right direction, and it was given to me by someone who knows the pathway of both roads.

The fact is I am more accurate and descriptive when it comes to writing about dark things. I seem to be feeding on darkness and abysmal matters. On the other hand, there seems to be a chaotic; and rather unobtrusive style of writing when I am happy. There seems to be no organisation, which is understandable given that my emotions are at an all-time high sometimes, so I kind of not try to specify my writings.

There has to be some kind of drive or force that directs me to be in either of those paths. The same kind of facets and situations happen to me every day, yet I tend to channel them differently most of the time. I do not see where I am going or where I came from. I happen to be a realist/hopeful type of person. In other words, I do not think about the future, yet I know the end of my current day; or at least have a certain vision of it. I find that neither pessimistic nor optimistic. I find that as ME with no labels. Living for and by the moment.

But why am I clinging to my dark side? Why am I defending its existence through and in me? Because it keeps me alive. It keeps my creativity in check. Because I have never experienced one day without it. It is an inseparable part of my being. I want it there throughout my journey. I want it to accompany me through my happiness and suffrage. Comfort and boredom. It has to be there with me. It sort of balances out the equation. The Yin and Yang type of thing. “Hello There”.

Maybe this kind of writing will not be manifesting itself in the coming days on paper. But I know this much; that in reality I will always be representing my smiling, open version of me. Come to think of it; is it some kind of hypocrisy to do so? Doing what you do not feel like doing? I think it is the complete opposite, because by that you will be spreading something more positive and instilling something more relatable to whomever meets or interacts with you. By that you do something maybe less recognizable than doing dark and twisted things. 

But at least you will be affecting each and every person individually, helping them to grow from the inside and realizing that it is okay to be weird. It is okay to be sick-minded, keeping your sanity intact within you. Such act has its own magnitude and grandiosity in itself. It is a self-proclamation. It is your re-birth. It is you and the anti-you. It is your nature.

Lamentations

I couldn't find refuge in you.. I didn’t find in you the calmer to the maddening silent whispers inside my head..

Disappointed.. Weakened.. Distraught..

I now come to my full numbed senses as I stroll by the images of our memories..

I laugh..

I sigh gratefully..

I cry endlessly..

I look at you in the darkened hollow void I call my room.. I never hear a resonance from you.. Not an echo..

I turn my head away expecting to meet your eyes but I see myself.. Again hollow..

What if I had a recorder embedded within me to remember everything you lay upon my ears.. Never to fight again..

Sickened by your twisted methods.. Creative demonic schemes.. But still drawn towards you..

Do you miss it terribly?

Go.. Seek me elsewhere in your memory palace!

Grey

I am the shade of grey

The unpleased pleaser

The shadow of the sun

The nightwalker

Whatever takes place amidst the rubble

A curtain, that is me

A hollowed curtain

Which does not make premonition

Rather bleakly borders what lies in between

A rampage of minds that is

A disgraceful harmonious chaos that is neither black nor white

But a shameful tyranny of colours

An array of disheartened souls that will crush

Like a stampede of elephants they rule

Blessed with tusks that make Xerxes cower

They are the wolves I tell you

No longer blinded by humanity

Only guided by anger

Both are ashamed of the other

But what shame does it bring; if it was not unto 

themselves?

What shame if not the shame of ignorance?

The shame therein lies upon the mob

The believers

What do they believe? I can never comprehend

For they are non-existent

As come other prophets, carrying wine and words

‘Tis the irony of life

A Moment

And she looked at me. Still!

No. She dissected me with her eyes.. 

Scanning all my imperfections. She knew all about them without me ever telling her. Even if I wanted to I couldn't; for my breath was still in my lungs, trying to escape my ribcage yet embracing the moment fearing it might not come again.

I was not aware of anything except the silhouette surrounding her gazing face.

Everything around was a shade of grey. Everything around was disappointed in me as all the attention I gave at that moment was focused at her. 

They were jealous. All the objects and all the people.. 

They were jealous of me and her. 

Her eyes were not moving at all. The muscle that held her eyes was very powerful that I felt its presence. As if a tentacle grew out of that cave and grabbed my soul. 

But I feel alive. God do I feel alive! 

And on that moment, I am perfectly ready to fade away and die..

Image from Hannibal series

Fragment: A Poem

Whole, my son,

Accept it whole,

I beseech you; do not live in a hole,

Where you will find nothing but rot and pain,

Where you will find nothing to gain,

I come from a distant land where I was told,

That I will come across feats to behold,

Though I arrive sceptically to the consensus,

I will end up feeling reckless,

Albeit a new quest will arise,

If not, I might find it a pleasant surprise,

It will be a long tiring road,

Decided I to hop on its abode,

But fear not my loyal friend,

You will reach but a dead end,

As you stumble across and see,

That all of this is shaman mystery,

Driven by angst and pursuit,

You will find nothing but theft and loot,

People gathered at Doomsday will ask,

Who in his right mind would delegate such task?

That we all live in a hornet’s nest,

Where we all fight in a worthless contest,

It is He who would dignify such answer,

Before we all fall like a body infested with cancer,

Cremated beyond recognition; that is life,

Yet not fazed with such ill strife,

We carry along with no remorse,

As we intently grow more coarse,

Benign, adamant and content,

Turned malignant, sardonic and contempt,

Might we succeed in the end?

Or will we die as we contend?

It is the journey, the long walk,

That makes us endure such distant talk,

Yet the thing of which I am certain,

All will prevail, before the fall of the curtain.

 Jackson Pollock's Ocean Greyness

A Nameless, Countryless, Religiousless Post

This is going to be a short post that was aroused by the above posted image that has been circulating my facebook newsfeed today. I was put off by it and I thought that I could write about it.

Let’s imagine that you are a “Nobody.” You do not have a name. You do not have a religion to abide by. You do not have a country to seek solace in.

Let’s imagine that for some eleven or twelve years you are just a question mark. You are an enigma. Not only to society, family or friends (That is if you had any that is willing to befriend an anonymous entity), but more importantly to yourself.

That above picture when simply translated into English says: “After 5 minutes after you are born, they will choose your name, nationality, religion and sect...And you will spend the rest of your life stupidly fighting and defending things you have not chosen."

Surprisingly, yes you are powerless when you are a youngster. You have no right to have a power simply because you do not yet acquire the power to think. To process things. To feel things. How could you make such important decisions when you are still sucking on milk from your mother’s breasts? How could you fathom such big ideas when you take up to 12 hours nap everyday? How can you possibly comprehend to even choose anything? If you took a five year old kid to a clothes shop and told him to just choose one item, he will disobey you. Not because he wants to, but because he does not yet have the ability to differentiate between what is good or bad. Between putting away some money for a rainy day and between having enough money to buy a fancy villa somewhere in the Hamptons. So he will end up buying all what he likes.

What if he was asked about making up his mind about those big ideas when he hits puberty? When his mind is evolving? When he sees other people with names, with societal worthiness, with a nationality, won’t he be disorientated? Won’t he start questioning his family that raised him? Won’t he be harmful to even himself? And the list goes on.

If any of you guys who posted this image on their facebook or twitter or any other social mediums think that it is unfair for you to defend your names, nationalities or even your religion just because you did not “choose” them, then it is your own opinion. But again, do you really think that being without the aforementioned traits you are powerful and self-reliant and you are your own destiny-maker? I suggest you think again.

I for one do not see it as an attack on my freedom to choose. I see it as a start. I see it as the hand that pushes my boat out on the harsh sea. I see it as a guiding hand. I see it as the alarm clock that is beside my bed.

But I will gladly defend those “stupid” things till the day I die. Because I believe in each and every one of them. I believe that I am my own destiny maker. I believe in Islam. I believe in my country Egypt. I believe that my name is Yahia Ayman Gweifel. And that is not because they were chosen for me. But because I sought to hone them to be the best they can be. I choose to be a good practicing Muslim. I choose to be a good Egyptian citizen. I choose to be the best Yahia I can be. That is the true power of choice. And it does not, at all, belittle from your sense of freedom.

So my final thing that I want to say is that: For all you who posted this image, did you choose to live in this world? Did you choose to be born?

Let’s imagine that YOU ARE NON-EXISTENT.

My Own Refuge

                                                                             

The thing is I am never alone. Not without my fear. Not without a luring shadow attracting me to the dark. I’m never without that menacing voice in my head grabbing me by the neck, driving me by an insane and manic speed.

I’m never feeling any distinguishable light. There is no discernable exit from this puzzled existence. I can be at times claustrophobically-driven in my thoughts, if that is even a word. I’m even not entitled to describe myself as a well-brought up human being because I cannot differentiate between who I am and who I could be.

If I was asked a year ago where I could be in a year, I would have responded with a chuckle. A chuckle that would seem to the inquisitor that I am filled with hopes and dreams. To me, that chuckle is dangerous. It means that there is no knowledge within my mind as to where I can possibly be in a year. I don’t even know where I am now. I don’t know how I even got here.

But to me, it is part of being an idiotically idealistic person. How could I possibly know where I could be in a year or even a day? I enter the bathroom meditating on some thought. I get out thinking an entirely different one, mainly because I had already forgotten about the first one. You can’t even ask that question. It is not within any logical realm.

Whatever you may have that I do not have does not make me less important. In fact, it makes you more responsible. And with responsibility comes burdens. In essence, I am carrying a lighter weight than you do. Thoughts are the same. If you are mentally occupied by a certain idea, it will drive you crazy to the core. But if you are empty from the inside, like me, you won’t be having any trouble. The trouble you will be facing is society. Society orders you to be shaped into a certain form, which is illogical, yet necessary. See the thing is, if you do not obey society, society will disavow you. You will be the outcast. You will be shamefully painted as an unwelcomed guest who had overstayed his visit. That is a true fact!

Besides, who cares if I can be shaped into a form that is required by society? Haven’t you heard of that saying that goes like “No Man Is An Island”?  Well I am sorry to disappoint you. Man is certainly an island. He is an island of thoughts. An island of senses and feelings. An island of peace and perspective. An island that firmly stands alone by itself. So in retrospect, man can only be with another man only if their ideals and thoughts meet together. You can never force someone to be with another man unless they are compatible in a lot of humanistic themes and standards. Accordingly, let me introduce to you the modified version of the aforementioned saying. “Men Are Archipelagos”. Archipelagos are chains of islands collected next to each other, whereas men are defined by who they personally are, then by who they are with; not the other way around.

The result is you will be under the microscope for being defiant. But that’s okay. You will have your moments of declared defeat and you will choose to cower in and start going with the flow. You have to. That’s life! If you do not go with the flow, they will attack. If you go with the flow, others will attack. It is complicated. You just cannot satisfy everyone, which will mesmerize you all the more because you will always seek to fill that non-existent gap of always demanding people’s attention. But then you will decide to haplessly sooth yourself by admitting to yourself that one’s self is what is important and it is beneficial for you to pursue your own thoughts. At that point you will reach a crossroads. Which way will you go? Droit ou Gauche?! Food for thought!

So what can you do when you are faced with that futuristic question? Do you know how, why and what will you be in a year? You do not. You can however set a goal for yourself and strive for it. You may or may not reach it, but at least you gave it your all.

The last paragraph was pretty lame wasn’t it? Some sort of pep talk you hear from your mother or your father on a daily basis. Honey, you have to set a goal for yourself in order to become successful and make us proud of you. Let me strike upon you some realistic facts. Set a goal. Don’t set a goal. You think your parents or friends would care if you succeed or not? Of course they would. But they will get over it. They might get suicidal or negligent. But hey, you did what you wanted right? NO!!

You do not do it for them. You do not maintain an image of yourself you have been keeping for the past twenty odd years just so you not to piss them off. Piss them off. Fight. Agitate them. Face them off. Be scared from yourself. Decide that you do not want to decide. It is a decision that you have to live and deal with. Be able to do it now against others before you have to face your immortal enemy, that one that’s inside you. I know I know, again with the clichés. But clichés are there for a reason. They are here to represent  common occurrences that we all face regularly. So zip it!

Bellowing beneath that calm body you have is another person that is waiting to depart that box that is embodying it. Let’s call it “The Refuge”. Now the Refuge can take off at any given second. This can be caused by societal pressure, peer pressure, anxiety, illness, relationships, love and so on. Find whichever trigger, whichever catalyst you have to nudge that Refuge inside you. I might not know all of you who are reading that post. You might be friends. You might be past acquaintances. You might be distant online peers. But if you are still reading the post, by now it is safe to think that you are intrigued by the prospect that makes you think: “Yeah, I do want to change a couple of things inside me.” And I kid you not, obviously so do I.

It is Aching.. Lamenting.. Waiting..

Regardless of what you think of me by now, you have to ask yourself this question. Can I apply what was written on me, or was it just some rants that are posted and that’s it?

Looming behind that question is either an angel or a devil.

It only depends on your answer.